Scared...

I'm scared. I won't lie. I can't seem to explain exactly why, which is making it worse.
I'm panicky, nervous, jumpy, angry, short with people, everything is annoying me. I am terrified. After being so sick for so long, I do not....I can not go back to the way I was. I won't let myself. I feel almost bipolar...suddenly flipping from one mood to another with no warning whatsoever. I'm scared.

The scariest part about feeling this way is the not knowing. I feel so fragile and just not myself.

I keep bursting into tears and taking out my anger on those closest to me and that breaks my heart. The one person I never want to hurt the most is the person I'm always lashing out at.

I'm going to the doctor on Monday. I will not let this come back and I will not let it win.

Our anxieties may control us. They completely dominate our lives, our thoughts, our plans, our simple processes. We feel that our entire existence must rotate around anxieties, worries, stresses, issues. They are a looming, flashing sign in our rear view mirror. Every single person has them, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem to others. It can be a worry about leaving the door unlocked, or it can be as big as a fear of walking outside the hall door to get some milk.

Why is it that our society labels people with issues such as these as problematic, or ill? It is an essential part of a personality, what makes them sad is as important as what makes them happy. It is so difficult to find out that to function normally, society expects people to be 100% perfect and have no problems. If you do, you need to see this doctor, this specialist. They will give you a label and then you can go back out into the world with a big sign over your head with the label displayed to everyone. I don't know how right this is. I mean, if you found out you had an STI, you would hardly have to write that down on a job application form. Yet mental illness is a section. They are really all the same.

For the last however many years, society has been encouraging this emphasis on silence about issues. The Catholic church I think played a huge part in this, as anything that may have caused a crack in the ideology was banned. I don't think they are all to blame though. I mean, members of the clergy aren't immune to issues simply because they are a member of the clergy. Now, there are numerous state-run organisations encouraging people to talk about issues and providing forums to do so. It is almost like they are trying to make up for the years of silence. I don't deny that these services are great...in fact I think they are really amazing. It's great to know that there are supports out there. I just wish there wasn't a need for so many.

In my dreams, there are no centres to take people who feel the only resolution to issues is suicide. In my dreams, there are no centres for animals who have been kicked by a bored, sad human being. In my dreams, there is no need for services for people who have lost someone to suicide. Yet, there is. I know it's a total Perfect World scenario, but it's hard not to think that if the right attitudes and methods had been put in place initially, there really wouldn't be any need.

I work hard in this area. I am involved in a number of different groups and organisations that work hard to help people with mental illness. This is all fuelled by my own experience of it. I have had a pretty rough time of it, but with help from my family and boyfriend and a small number of friends, I have come through it. Don't get me wrong, I wake up and have days when I feel like total crap and just want to sit in a dark room and sleep all day. Nine days out of ten, I don't need to do that. I wake up with a smile on my face and happy to go on with what I do. I have a very low self esteem. I admit that, now. But I am happy with my life. I know that the work I do, if it's handing out leaflets, or sending emails or just being a friendly face for people, may make a difference to someones day. My family and my amazing boyfriend were that friendly face for me. He was more than a rock for me and I will always owe that to him. If it was sitting up talking until 5 in the morning because I couldn't sleep, he would do it. If it was making a stupid joke, just so I would smile he would do it. Thank you for that. My family were unreal, sitting watching tv with me, so I wouldn't have to sit alone. Even though I told them to leave countless times, it was always so nice just to have someone with me.

These were the most important things to me while I was sick. Not medication, although it helped me. Counselling was amazing, getting to vent your issues to someone who knew NOTHING about you and then walk away was the biggest relief.

If anyone ever reads this and is feeling crap, smile. I promise you, from someone who has sat where you are right now and felt like rubbish, I am sitting here (although I can't sleep cos I drank a glass of diet coke 7 hours ago) and I am happy.

xkx

Starting to feel positive....I think!

Hey!!

It's been a ridiculous length of time since I posted here, I promise I'll get better at it!

Updates so far, I've been changed onto a different pill since December as the previous one was creating major migraine issues. I had one that lasted the guts of 8 weeks, the pain and frustration it caused naturally made it worse, but I stopped that particular pill and since then the migraine has reduced somewhat. I do suffer from migraine, so it's hard to determine whether it's the migraine or the pill, which apparently is a common enough problem.

I was back in St. James' with my doctors in January and everything was positive enough, but they still aren't happy that I'm in so much pain [and neither am I, if we're honest!]. There are many different options but I'm majorly limited. The pill and the injection don't work for me. My body shouldn't be on hormone treatment, I'm sure it's one reason they are so bad, because of the combination of unnatural hormones being pumped into my body for so long. I hate taking medication but because of this, I have to.

My main option at the moment is the IUD, but that is the last chance scenario. It's a long term treatment and while it has benefits, it has negatives too, the same with everything. It's very hard to know what way to turn, other than running away from it all! I'm back with my doctors next week and I'll chat to them, but I have to wait another couple of weeks anyway.

I have finally started seeing my homeopath, which I am over the moon about. A close family friend is in her final year studying homeopathy and has taken me on as a case patient. I couldn't be luckier in this regard, as her supervisor has a history of gynecology so I know I'm in safe hands. This woman, who we will call "A", is a woman I have known for 11 years of my life and trust her implicitly. She knows who I am and is fully aware of everything. The main thing I noticed about my initial consultation with her was the time she spent with me. Any doctor has sat down, taken a couple of minutes to get a "medical history". What this woman did was took note of my entire life! Everything was important, she asked me questions that my surgeon never asked me. It's shocking how little detail they go into. The initial consultation took three and a half hours. It fascinated me that she really cared and required all this information. Homeopathy looks at the person as a whole and doesn't just treat one area, but the whole body.

I'm finally starting to feel positive about my condition. I'm fed up spending three to four days in bed, doped up on insanely strong painkillers and unable to move without help. That is no way to live my life. I'm 21 and should not be confined to a bed because of a condition. No one should have to. If there is any way that homeopathy will help me to regain control again, I'm going to grab it with both hands.

This week is Endometriosis Awareness Week. Endo Ireland are hosting a day in the Lucan Spa Hotel this coming Saturday 12th March from 1.30pm to 5.30pm. The day is all about information. [Link: www.endo.ie]. I'm really looking forward to this, it should provide some information and some other options. I think it will be good to meet other women with the condition too. I've found a thread on boards.ie about endometriosis as well, which I have found a great condolence to know that others feel the same way. It's great to know there are support networks.

I'm up early in the morning, so I'll finish up by saying the feeling of positivity I once had is starting to creep back. Everything at the moment seems to be slowly coming together. Family are good and getting better, Friends are good and getting better but more importantly, I'm good and I'm getting better.


Love
xxkxx